I have to preface this with the fact that during the whole labor with Nevin, I felt like I was at war with myself. There was the rational, thinking part of my head, which I came to think of as my internal doula and the emotional, birthing woman primal part of my head. The only words that came out typically came from the birthing woman. The doula was there, though, in the back of my mind, cheering me on.
My water broke at 1:56am. I had just gotten back from my regular bathroom run. I felt a swivel and a pop and was covered in fluid. I had to stop and think whether or not I had noticed any contractions up to that point. I hadn't. My doula mind thought, "Crap. Water breaking before contractions or early in labor means a malpositioned baby."
I nudged Chrys and told him my water broke and we should call Heidi. I was still rational at this point. I knew I wanted to get up and get dry, but that could wait a minute. I knew the first contraction could come immediately, or it could be hours from now. Chrys got the phone, I talked to Heidi. In the time it took that conversation to take place (only a few minutes), the rational part of my brain started to shut down.
I got off the phone and Chrys was asking me questions - Did I want to just go back to bed? What should he do? Etc. I managed that I was soaked and wanted to get up, get clean sheets on the bed, check the fluid for color and then go back to bed. I wasn't nice about it. I was done answering questions already and wanted him to just 'know' what to do. When I stood up out of bed, the contractions started. They were mild. I could walk and talk through them. Then, I started shaking. I got to the toilet, noticed the fluid was clear, and started to text Heidi. I managed an update, "Clear fluid, mild ctx and horrible shaking." She said there was a lot of energy moving through me as this started. I had to agree. She asked what Tarl was doing and typing that response was agonizing. I could barely control my fingers. I wanted to get in the shower, desperately, to try to warm up and stop the tremors. I told her that he was making the bed and going to start timing contractions. I could tell the intensity was picking up fast. At that point, he took over communications with Heidi because I couldn't do it any more.
Nevin was moving a lot. For a while, I was feeling it in my back and that was miserable. I remember squatting over the toilet during a few contractions, leaning forward to keep him off my spine. That helped some, but not completely.
I got my shower, got cleaned off and warmed up. I wrapped up in my robe and went back to bed, on my left side. I think that was when Tarl went to start filling the pool. Heidi showed up and asked how I was doing. I liked being warm and cuddled in the bed at that point. I didn't want anyone to move me. Or talk to me, really. I had regained some of my rational part, and could explain that I didn't want to answer questions because it was frustrating me. I wanted things to get done so I could focus.
They were in and out to check on me and work on the pool. Ryanne came in to ask what was going on. Chrys was there and we explained that her brother would be born that day. She went back to bed, excited but not wanting to witness the process. I could hear Chrys and Heidi talking downstairs and found that comforting. I liked the solitude of being in the bed. At some point, the pool was ready and they got me up to head down there.
I could still smile at things and find some humor, but it was waning. I wanted to get in the tub and stay there. The shaking had come back when I got out from under the covers and that wasn't fun. The tub was a bit cool, but nice.
I was sitting and told Heidi about feeling him in my back for a while, but that he wasn't there now. She asked where he was and I said I thought he was still in my right side. That was where she found him with the doppler. She recommended forward leaning so I got on my hands and knees. That's pretty much where I would stay for the rest of the birth. I spent a lot of time leaning my head on the edge of the tub - sometimes on my hands, sometimes just on the plastic. I focused on my breastfeeding mama picture that I got before we left Austin and the "Grounding" mandala I was wearing around my neck. Occasionally, my wrists would get tired and I would sit back on my knees. Sometimes my legs would cramp and I'd sit on my left side. I could feel him on my right hip during contractions, but it didn't feel right to sit on that side. Maybe he would have rotated if I'd tried that, but who knows? The contractions weren't too bad, but definitely more intense than I had experienced in my other two births.
I remember Heidi saying that she loved that I knew where he was and would just talk to him about where he needed to be. I did keep telling him that if he would just get in the right position, this would be over. I was getting tired. I was definitely more uncomfortable than during Corin's birth - I still maintain that his was really pain free. I remember feeling like this one hurt more because my water had broken so early. Chrys kept wanting to know when I hit transition so he could anticipate when things were going to be over. I kept feeling bad that I had called the midwives when it was clearly so early and things weren't going nearly as fast as I had expected and hoped. I had no concept of how far along I was or how long 'things' were taking.
Finally, I felt his head shift and then his body rotate. The next contraction HURT. I remember being on my left side when he shifted and I *had* to get on my hands and knees when the contraction started. It felt like my pelvis was being torn in half. All of the pain was focused on the front of my pubic bone and it was pulling to the sides. I remember chanting "Owwwwwww" and punctuating it with "Holy shiiiiiiiiitttttttt" or "Fuuuuuuuccccckkkkk". Every time my voice started to go higher, the doula would tell me to keep it low and I could drop the pitch. I said something about it feeling different and Heidi assured me that it sounded different. I was vaguely aware of them starting to get ready for a baby. I knew I was in transition, but couldn't vocalize that to Chrys. In my head, the doula kept asking him if he realized this was almost over.
My head really started to play with me at this point. It was a war between what the scared woman could vocalize and the doula that knew things were almost over and just needed me to hang in there for a little bit longer. I had experienced a pain free birth. It didn't seem fair to have this much pain when I wasn't scared of the process. The pain made me afraid. Something was wrong and I didn't know how wrong or if I could get through it. Oww wasn't enough after a while and I could only say I couldn't keep doing this because it hurt too much. Chrys was there by my right side. I could feel his hand on my shoulder and it kept the voice in my head saying that I wouldn't get anywhere before the baby came out anyway. At the same time, the scared woman was really sure that I was going to be in labor and this pain forever. I could feel myself unraveling, emotionally, and would try to focus on my necklace and the picture between contractions to get some sanity back. The contractions were right on top of each other, though, and it was a losing battle.
The first time my body pushed, I nearly screamed. I was able to vocalize that I wanted to push. Heidi said I could do that if it felt right. (The midwives said this was at 5:25am.) I tried to bear down with the contraction and it felt like I was pushing into a wall (which I said). Maureen said he was just passing through and to be patient. In my head, worst case scenarios started spinning - I wasn't complete and was pushing into cervix, which was going to swell and cause all sorts of problems. Sometimes a little knowledge is too much.
Then I felt him moving down and knew he just needed to come out and fast. Pushing didn't feel good. It hurt more than contractions. It also felt like he was coming out my bottom instead of my vagina - ouch! I was so conflicted. I had to consciously work not to tense up against my body's desire to push him down. I knew that would make me tear horribly. I didn't want to push because adding any pressure made the pain worse. At the same time I needed it to be over. I was still on my hands and knees with my face buried in the side of the pool. I managed to tell Chrys that I knew Corin wanted to be here for the birth, but I couldn't handle him being there. I was scared and knew that having him there would distract me and/or terrify him.
Suddenly, I felt him crowning. I said, "He's coming." Apparently that made Heidi look and Chrys says she looked surprised to actually see him. I hadn't actively pushed once. I felt his head pass through and then his body and the pain stopped. Heidi said she wanted to keep him upside down for a minute and then he was coming through to me. I think I asked if he was really out. I felt such relief that the process was over that I couldn't help but cry. I couldn't believe it was over and that I had made it.
Nevin Malcolm was born in the water at home at 5:33am on January 6, 2012. He was born fully occiput posterior (sunny side up). (Apparently the cord was wrapped around his neck twice and we're pretty sure he had a hand up by his face, too.)
He was quiet and his lungs were mucky. His color was good so no one was worried. Heidi wanted to give him a puff of air, though. She asked if I'd mind. I said no and I started to lift him off my chest. At that point he screamed and I said that apparently he minded quite a bit. Once he let out that wail, he started huffing a bit and coughing up some of the goop.
Heidi asked if anyone had actually checked to make sure he was a boy. We hadn't. He had come straight to my chest and all I could do was hold him and be grateful that the process was over. I lifted him up and confirmed he was a boy. I also saw that his cord had an overhand knot about 2 inches from his belly (don't google this, it could have been a really horrible thing). Apparently that's common with long cords and active babies - check and check. Chrys went to get the kids to come meet him. Corin was thrilled. Ryanne hung back, as expected. My mom cut his cord after it stopped pulsing.
Delivering the placenta was actually difficult. I think I told Heidi that all of my pushing muscles were broken after getting him out. I couldn't get anything together enough to figure out where to push, or at least it didn't feel like I could. I did manage to get it out, though.
Once that was over, we went upstairs and all got cuddled in bed. The kids checked Nevin out. I got checked out. I had a small tear, a "flap of skin", near where my other tears were. It didn't demand stitches so that was successful. I can't imagine what would have happened if I had to birth him on my back. Well, I can, and it's not just a flap of skin.
This birth was singularly the most intense experience of my life. I have said before that I would rather birth 100 Corins than have toe surgery again. I think would rather have 100 toe surgeries than birth Nevin again. His position accounts for the intensity of the contractions, the early water breaking, the pain. I have said that, had I been in the hospital, I would have opted for an epidural. I cannot imagine getting through the birth without the water to help keep some of the weight off my wrists while I labored on my hands and knees. I can't imagine getting through it without Chrys by my side keeping my internal doula active and just being there.
Despite that, I felt empowered by the experience. I was allowed to follow what my body needed. I was allowed space to move and vocalize as needed. The midwives were close, but not hovering. I was never checked or discouraged, my body's cues were enough and that actually helped me remember to trust my body to do this the way it needed to. Due to the pace and intensity of the labor, I can't think of a time when I would have been comfortable getting in a car and driving somewhere. This birth was everything I needed it to be and every bit as 'good' as it could be. I am really glad to be on the other side of the process, though.
